Was the Government Responsible for the Death of Eric Garner?

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On Wednesday, a grand jury in New York declined to indict officer Daniel Pantaleo in the death via chokehold of Eric Garner. However, in a lesser known proceeding, a different grand jury declined to indict the Government for the same crime. Anti-government activists had been rallying for days in the hopes that charges would be filed and the Government would finally be brought to justice under the RICO* statute.

“The cops are not responsible,” one anti-government activist explained, “They were just doing their jobs. It’s the Government that wanted Eric Garner stopped. He was selling untaxed cigarettes, stepping on the Government’s turf. Of course, the Government wanted him taken out.” Many others made similar arguments, that taxation is a form of violence itself, that the Government is running a racket or a con (especially, a type of pyramid scheme) and that it is a slippery slope from there to homicide.

But, is there truly a link between taxes and death? “These are the two things inevitable in life,” related Ben Jargabar, a forensic sociologist from the University of Oceania, “Of course, there is a connection. Only a child could overlook it. Yet, is it a causal connection?”

When asked if the connection was causal, he replied, “We don’t know much about the causality of taxes, but they sure are painful. In the aspirin sense of the word. Ha ha. But seriously, we all know that it takes money to make money. Thus, like all powerful entities–volcano gods, dragons, et al.–the Government demands a sacrifice if we are to forgo catastrophe. I mean, imagine not paying taxes and driving to work through a road full of potholes. It would be impossible.”

The government begged to differ slightly on this analysis. “I’m fair and just,” the Government said during a speech after the indictments failed to come down, “Check my Constitution. It’s right there. Look. Listen. Do I empower the police to use force against law breakers? Yes. Does power corrupt? Yes. Do I punish the people who misuse their power? Sometimes. Sure. But the last thing I deserve to be called is a killer. I stand for Life. And Liberty. And the Pursuit of Happiness. Though, come to think of it, Liberty is the thing I tend to take away from people when they cros– I mean, break the law. And also, that Pursuit of Happiness thing has always been hit or miss. But, points for trying, right?

Note: This article is obviously fake. But it makes a couple of valid points. Maybe?

*Racketeering. Investigative. Cop. Awesome. [/Samberg]

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